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1. Starting

   1. First Contact

      1. Body Language: SOFTEN

         1. Smile

         2. Open Arms

            1. Closed Arms says "Stay Away!"

         3. Forward Lean

            1. Leaning back indicates boredom

         4. Touch

            1. Handshake

            2. Be The first to extend your hand

         5. Eye Contact

            1. Should be Natural

            2. 6-inch diameter area around the eyes that provide avisual pathway

         6. Nod

   2. Breaking Ice

      1. Risk vs Rejection

         1. Be The First to Say Hello

            1. Advantage: Opportunity to direct conversation

         2. Take The Initiative to start conversation

         3. Share your ideas, opinions, feelings, and experiences

         4. The more practice, the better response you'll get

         5. Dealing with rejection

            1. Don't automatically assume it's your fault

      2. Ritual Question

         1. Ask easy to answer question about situation/other person

         2. Easiest way:

            1. 1. Notice something interesting about the person, offer a compliment

            2. 2. Notice something that people is carrying

            3. 3. Make a comment/ask a question about based on the situation

         3. Perfect time: sooner is better

         4. Styles

            1. Closed

               1. Follow closed questions with open-ended questions

               2. Make your question easy and straightforward

            2. Open

         5. Reveal free information as fuel for follow-up questions

         6. Reveal free basic facts about yourself before asking related questions

         7. Power of Small Talk

            1. 1. Demonstrates willingness to talk

            2. 2. Allows people to exchange basic info and common interests

            3. 3. Provides an opportunity for speakers to reveal the topics that they want to talk about

      3. Active Listening

         1. Know what to say next after listening to the free info

         2. Don't think next questions, just listen for keywords

         3. Use and listen for keywords

         4. Ask relevant follow-up Questions

         5. Use Examples

         6. Anticipate what the speaker is going to say next

         7. Summarize

         8. Be actively involved

         9. Listen for Iceberg statements e.g. guess-what?

         10. Good listening requires practice and conversation

      4. Seek more info based on free info

         1. Ask info-seeking follow-up question based on free info you've just heard

         2. Free info communicated by:

            1. Clothing

            2. Physical features

            3. Body languages

            4. Personal behavior

            5. Activites

            6. Words

         3. Asking personal questions

            1. 'Id love to know, if you don't mind telling me . . . ?"

            2. "I hope I'm not being too personal, but.. . ?"

            3. "If you don't mind my asking . . . ?"

            4. "Excuse me for asking but..."

         4. Avoid Pitfalls When Seeking Information:

            1. Death

            2. Gory Crimes

            3. Unhappy Events

            4. Personal Gossip

            5. Racial/ethnic slurs

      5. Self Disclosure

         1. Reveal free info while asking questions that interest you personally

         2. Why we maintain a privacy:

            1. 1. if people knew what we were really like, they would think less of us

            2. 2. being too familiar with someone breeds contempt, so remaining mysterious is best

            3. 3. if a person knew intimate or personal facts about you, she might use this information against you

         3. Effects on maintain privacy:

            1. Leave impression that you have something to hide

         4. Begin to observe others as they disclose information to you and others

         5. Self-Disclosure—Four Levels to Building Trust:

            1. 1. "Cliche" Greetings

            2. 2. Exchange some basic personal facts

            3. 3. Revealing personal opinions and preferences on different subjects

            4. 4. personal feelings— esp. about the people you know and wish to become closer to

         6. Don't go to the opposite extreme of "telling all"

         7. Be realistic about yourself

         8. Reveal your goals and struggles

         9. Don't be afraid of boring the other person

   3. Remembering Names

      1. Why forgot names?

         1. main reason: failing to focus on the moment of introduction

         2. loud music or people talking

      2. 5-second strategy

         1. 1. Focus on the moment of introductioin

         2. 2. Don't think about what to say

         3. 3. Repeat the name aloud

         4. 4. Think of someone you know with the same name

         5. 5. Use the name during and at the end of the conversation

      3. Remembering names in a group

         1. make a "letter chain"

      4. Alternate methods

         1. "Rhymes With ..."

            1. Dan the Man

            2. Fancy Nancy

         2. First Names That Sound Like Action Words

            1. Carol, as in Christmas Carol

            2. Eileen, as in I Lean on a post.

         3. First Names That Sound Like Objects

            1. Bea (bee), Hope, May,

         4. Choose a Feature and Associate It with the Name

            1. Julie's big sparkling eyes make you think of Jewel Julie.

         5. First Names with the Same Initial as a Personal Interest

            1. Greg the Guitarist,

      5. Forgot Names?

         1. Ask the host or someone else to identify

         2. Listen as other guests use names

         3. Peek at a guest list

         4. reintroduce yourself with "Hello, do you remember me? I'm Don. We met quite a while ago at. . ."

      6. With Practice, You Can Become Really Good at Remembering Names

      7. Lasting effects: remembering someone's name makes people instantly like you

2. Continuing

   1. Keeping Strong

      1. keys to sustaining conversations easily

         1. 1. Focus on the situation you are in

            1. Look Outward—Not Inward

            2. Think of Your Situation as a Series of Concentric Circles

         2. 2. Find out about the "big" events in the other person's life.

            1. Hot Buttons

               1. areas that are of keen interest to and create enthusiasm in people you talk with and in yourself

               2. How

                  1. fish around subject areas with ritual questions

                  2. If there are few

                     1. What do you like to do on your days off?

                     2. What do you like to do for fun?

                     3. What do you like to do when you're not working?

                     4. What kinds of things are you interested in?

                     5. etc

            2. Find ASAP

            3. Revealing your own Hot Buttons to Others

               1. I'm really excited about...

               2. I just finished working on .. .

               3. I just finished working on .. .

            4. Seek Common Interests

         3. 3. Balance the two-way information exchange.

            1. Good Conversation Is a Balance of Talking and listening

            2. Balance the Information You Exchange

         4. 4. Discuss topics that are important to you

         5. 5. Change topics using free information.

            1. Refer to Free information — "I Heard You Mention Earlier . . ."

            2. Listen for Key Words, facts, and Details—and Remember Them!

            3. a negative or inappropriate subject?

               1. Change the subject!

         6. 6. Seek out common interests and experiences.

   2. Getting Ideas Across

      1. Why people keep his ideas getting across

         1. People have a resistance to change for many different reasons

         2. People aren't ready to adopt or consider your ideas due to their lack of attention

         3. People had a wishful hearing

         4. People had unwarranted assumptions about the other person

         5. People with habitual secrecy tend to be resentful when you ask ritual question

      2. Opening Channels

         1. Encouraging cooperation and receptivity

            1. by telling others the purpose of your conversation.

               1. "The reason I'm calling is ..."

               2. "I'd like to talk to you about. . ."

               3. etc

            2. When ask a question, tell the person why you want to know

            3. Developing respect for others

            4. Don't ignore people's feelings

            5. increase your sensitivity

               1. ask yourself questions like:

                  1. How will what I'm saying make the other person feel?

                  2. How will he react to what I'm saying?

                  3. Will he feel complimented or put down by what I'm saying?

         2. Explore irrelevant comments

            1. Don't insist that all comments be relevant by ignoring or dismissing comments that seem extraneous

   3. Overcoming Hang-ups

      1. Common Hang-ups

         1. "I'm right—you're wrong!"(Arguing)

            1. Don't Assume That Everything You Know or Believe Is Absolutely True

            2. How to Say "I Don't Agree with You"

               1. "It seems to me . . ."

               2. "Here's the way I see it..."

               3. "I think . . ."

               4. "I believe . . ."

               5. "It's my impression . . ."

               6. "In my opinion . . ."

               7. "It's been my experience . . ."

               8. "I feel differently about it. . "

         2. "I can read a person like a book."(Stereotyping)

            1. People don't like being stereotyped, and they sense when it occurs.

            2. Reserve judgment about people until you have enough data to form a more accurate conclusion

         3. "It doesn 't matter to me." (Being nonassertive)

            1. People like this:

               1. 1. Attempting to please others by seeking approval for their behavior

               2. 2. Being Passive, not taking responsibility for decision making process

            2. It's good to be flexible, but not indifferent

               1. Express Your Preferences (Even If They Might Be Contrary to Your Partner's)

               2. Assertiveness Pays Off

                  1. You have the right to do what you want

                  2. and not to do what you don't want to do

               3. Get What You Want by Asking for It

                  1. instead of waiting for someone to guess what you want

                  2. If you don't want something, simply say no.

               4. Get Involved—Offer an Alternative

                  1. Present your ideas and preferences

                  2. Don't passively accept anything

               5. Do Your Own Thing

                  1. Assertiveness Is Not a Justification for Selfishness and Insensitivity

         4. "Tell me something I don't know."(Bragging)

            1. Saying "I don't know" is likely to make your partner respect you for your honesty

            2. I'm Not Familiar with That... Fill Me In!"

               1. To avoid projecting a false image, admit your shortcomings

         5. "I'm boring."(Copping out)

            1. Give Yourself a Break

            2. Focus on the Positive Events in Your Life—and Talk about Them

            3. Be aware of these common cop-out statements:

               1. "I don't feel like it."

               2. "I didn't have time."

               3. "What difference does it make?"

               4. "I hate it when people ask me what I've been up to"

3. Ending

   1. Closing Tactfully

      1. The Best Time to End a Conversation

         1. after both parties have expressed themselves to one another

         2. when the time seems right or demands that you go your separate ways

         3. end conversations in a warm and engaging manner

      2. Closing Conversations to leave a Positive Impression

         1. 1. Restate something interesting the other person said

         2. 2. Say you enjoy the chat

         3. 3. (Optional) Say, Let's talk again soon

         4. 4. Use the person's name and say goodbye

            1. use open, friendly body language

      3. Setting Out of Problem Conversations

         1. Handling the Complainer

            1. Express some words of sympathy

               1. "It sounds like you're having a tough time,"

               2. "I'm sorry to hear that you're having so much trouble."

               3. "I hope things work out for you,"

               4. "I'm going to go say hello to a friend of mine."

            2. Limit the time you talk about his problemsby first empathizing

         2. Use Tact and Common Sense When Saying No to Year Bos

            1. "I understand that on occasion I'll need to work late. But I have other responsibilities, too, so I won't be available to work past 5:00 EM. on a regular basis,"

         3. Dealing Assertively with the Manipulator

            1. To the persistent salesperson

               1. "I appreciate your en- thusiasm, but don't waste any more of your time. I'm not interested. Thank you anyway."

      4. Summary

         1. Always attempt to end the exchange on a friendly note.

         2. Use the other person's name, add a compliment

            1. "It's been great talking with you,"

         3. Attempt to meet the person again for a specific activity

            1. I'm looking forward to seeing you again."

         4. Tell your partner you enjoyed the conversation

         5. Keep your good-bye short , sweet, warm and friendly

   2. Making Friends

      1. Friendship definition

         1. who give encouragement, feedback, honest opinions, and usually a lot of advice

         2. Someone to trust completely with the most personal feelings and information

         3. someone you can trust with sensitive information and know that he won't hold it against you

         4. Someone who shares common interests and experiences with you and adds to your sense of fulfillment

      2. Four Key Principles

         1. Take the initiative and reach out to others

         2. Show genuine interest in people.

         3. Treat others withrespect and kindness

         4. Value yourself and others as unique individuals who have much to offer

      3. Developing Trust

         1. takes time

         2. You must reveal some personal information and feelings

         3. Don't dissappoint someone's faith in you

      4. To Meet People, Go Where You Have Fun

         1. some places are better than others

      5. Meet People Who Have Similar Interests

      6. New Friendships Can Begin Anywhere

      7. Become Familiar with People

      8. Keep It Friendly—Nothing Too Heavy or Too Serious

         1. It's better to be informal, friendly, and receptive

         2. Remember: Small talk sends the signal: "I'm interested in You"

      9. Use Ritual Questions to Send the Message: "I Want to Get to Know You Better"

      10. Zero in on "Hot Buttons"

      11. Keep an Inventory of Facts and Details About the Person

      12. Making the Other Person Feel Important

      13. Don't Wait to Introduce Yourself

      14. Show You Like the Other Person

          1. Take care not to come on too strong to someone you have recently met.

      15. "How About Meeting Sometime for a Drink or a Cup of Coffee?"

      16. Plan an Activity Around a Mutual Interest

      17. "Hi , Karen, This Is Don. Do You Have a Few Minutes?"

          1. Give your friend a call to confirm the time of your planned meeting

          2. never play "Guess who this is."

          3. Ask a detail about some aspect of the person's life

          4. Tell the other person why you are calling

          5. End your telephone call with a friendly comment

      18. Maintain Contact with People You Like

          1. find activities that you enjoy doing together

          2. continue to maintain contact so the friendship can grow

          3. When you are asked to join an activity by someone, make an all-out effort to accept the invitation

      19. Be Open to New Experiences from Others

      20. Share Activities with Your Friends

          1. Take the initiative and ask your friends to share in activities that you enjoy

      21. Friendships Grow and Develop in Time

          1. Friendships are like plants—they can grow slowly and steadily in time

      22. 'The Only Way to Have a friend Is to Be One"

          1. Accept your friend as unique individuals with all the problems, hang-ups, and inconsistencies that all humans possess

      23. Friends Grow Together

4. Boosting

   1. Conversation Styles

      1. Styles

         1. Candid

            1. Strength

               1. says what's on his mind

               2. see conversation as competition

               3. fun and beneficial to chat with people who shares the same humor, intensity, competitiveness

            2. Weakness

               1. often described as blunt, pushy, or too aggressive

               2. ve a tendency to get impatient with people who have a less ener- getic or direct style.

               3. domineering, boastful, or tactless

            3. Talk about:

               1. sports

               2. crime

               3. business heroes

               4. adventure stories

               5. action movies

               6. politics

               7. entrepreneurial endeavors

               8. money & power

               9. military experiences

            4. Dos

               1. show a genuine interest in their business and personal goals

               2. ask for their opinions and advice

               3. show a self-effacing sense of humor

            5. Donts

               1. get into any debates with them even if they chal- lenge your opinions.

               2. go into overly detailed or complex explanations

               3. take offense if they heckle you or belittle your accomplishments.

         2. Hangback

            1. Strength

               1. Thoughtful

               2. soft-spoken and calm when talk

               3. excellent listener and sympathetic to the feelings of others

            2. Weakness

               1. Tendency to remain passive

               2. get overwhelmed by aggressive or talkative types, and clam up when feeling anxious

               3. fear of saying the wrong thing, being boring, or offending others

            3. Talk about:

               1. relationships

               2. human interest stories

               3. personal stories

               4. movie stars

               5. food, cooking & restaurants

               6. art

               7. music

               8. theater

               9. poetry

               10. dance

               11. home decorating

               12. books

               13. social issues

               14. hobbies

               15. gardening

               16. animals

               17. family

            4. Dos

               1. show a desire to talk about their interests

               2. ask for their views, feelings, and insight about issues that concern people

               3. encourage them to talk by emphasizing common views and interests

            5. Donts

               1. get aggressive,critical,or argumentative

               2. interrupt them or complete their sentences

               3. give up when the conversation takes a little more time to get going

         3. Accurate

            1. Strength

               1. absorb, assess, and impart information

               2. break down procedures from the first detail, then to the next, all the way through to the finish

               3. enjoy "shop talk" and more serious subjects that require detailed knowledge or problem solving

            2. Weakness

               1. rarely to be the one to "break the ice", often seen as shy or unavailable for conversation

               2. tendency to go into excruciating detail about specific topics can cause some people to lose interest

               3. their logical approach can give the impression that you have little patience or others who do not understand technical or complicated subjects

            3. Talk about:

               1. science & math

               2. architecture

               3. computers

               4. design

               5. stock markets

               6. technology

               7. how things work

               8. inventions

               9. science fiction/fantasy

               10. mysteries

               11. home improvement & tools

            4. Dos

               1. praise their technical knowledge

               2. encourage them to talk about subjects outside their specific area of expertise

               3. gently change the conversation to lighter topics of interest

            5. Donts

               1. get into debates or contradict their views

               2. change topics too frequently

               3. be offended if you hear criticism or offers of unsolicited advice

         4. Talkative

            1. Strength

               1. extroverted, energetic conversationalist

               2. enjoy interacting with others

               3. happy to initiate conversations

            2. Weakness

               1. talk too much

               2. tendency to dominate the conversation

               3. sometimes fail to listen or give others a chance to participate

            3. Talk about:

               1. themselves

               2. friends & family

               3. travel

               4. food & entertainment

               5. pop culture

               6. hobbies

               7. self-improvement

               8. successful people

               9. unusual media stories

               10. humorous events

               11. their hopes & dreams

               12. pets

               13. just about anything that isn't technical or complicated

            4. Dos

               1. let them have center stage

               2. share your interests with them

               3. be playful, show your sense of humor, and above all, laugh at their jokes

            5. Donts

               1. get into detailed explanations about technical topics or difficult concepts

               2. feel bad when you interrupt them to speak

               3. discuss heavy topics or get too serious

      2. Using

         1. Recognize your strengths and weaknesses in each of the styles

         2. Build on your strengths and eliminate your weaknesses from each style

         3. Adjust your conversational style to "dance" with the styles of others

         4. Practice chatting with people whose style is different from your own

      3. How to Recognize

         1. pay close attention to body language

         2. pay attention in how the first few minutes of the conversation progress

            1. Is she outgoing or shy?

            2. Does he like to make small talk or only "shop talk?"

            3. Is she to the point or reserved?

            4. Is he argumentative or easygoing?

         3. Make it a habit to observe the four styles as you talk

   2. Cross-Countries Talk

      1. Dos

         1. respect differences

         2. show interest in the other person's country

         3. avoid stereotyping

         4. match your speaking speed and vocabulary with the person's language skills

         5. talk about upbeat topics

      2. Donts

         1. be shy about introducing yourself

         2. take offense if someone says the wrong thing

         3. assume you know the country a person is from

         4. assume understanding

         5. talk about depressing topics

   3. Cross-Cultural Talk

      1. (See the chart in book)

      2. Ways to Learn Customs of People from Other Countries

         1. Visit or Attend Restaurants/Cultural Events, Foreign language class, etc

         2. Read about other countries

         3. Watch movies or television programs

         4. Web Sites

   4. Mobile Phone Etiquette

      1. When late: Tell Your Friend, "I'm on My Way."

      2. Five Golden Rales of Mobile Phone Etiquette

         1. 1: Present Company Comes First

         2. 2: Turn on "Vibrate" While Attending Social or Business Functions

         3. 3: Choose the Right Time to Call

         4. 4: Find a Private or Semiprivate Place to Talk

         5. 5: Speak at a Normal Volume

   5. Cyber Rules

      1. Email

         1. Rules for Better E-mail

            1. 1: Promptly Respond fo E-mail Messages

            2. 2: Never E-mai l a Message That You Wouldn' t Want Your Boss, or the Rest of the World to Read

            3. 3: Don't Type Your Message in ALL CAPS

            4. 4: Keep It Short and Sweet

            5. 5: Send Well-Written Messages

      2. Chatrooms

         1. Dos

            1. Lurking

            2. Remember that You Are Talking to People

            3. Read FAQs

            4. Correct Your Chatiquette Goofs

         2. Donts

            1. Be Shy about Jumping into the On-line Discussion

            2. Flame ( Insult ) Other Members of the Group If You Disagree with What They Say

            3. Make Statements You Can't Back Up

   6. Improving Conversations

      1. About Silence

         1. Negotiating tool

         2. Silence Is Okay

      2. How to criticize

         1. encourage with encouragement positive feedback

         2. present open-ended question

      3. Playful Teasing Is a Healthy Way to Convey Feelings and Attitudes

      4. Dealing with Put-Downs

         1. Keep your sense of humor up

         2. Keep your defenses down

         3. Let the other know you have a confident attitude about who you are and what you do

      5. Don't Lose Your Sense of Humor

      6. Put-Downs Can Be a Test of Your Self-Confidence

      7. Ask Open-Ended Questions to Find Out the Real Reason for Put-Downs

         1. "Why do you feel that way?"

      8. The Other Person May Have Some Very Valid Things to Point Out to You

      9. The Best Way to Get What You Want Is to Ask for It Directly

      10. People Can't Read Your Mind

      11. When someone makes a hidden request

          1. "You didn't exactly ask,but do you want me to .. . ?"

          2. "Please, the next time you want me to do you a favor, just ask me directly Then I'll tell you yes or no,"